Grossology
by underhandlilies
Summary: Zack has really been getting on his superiors' nerves with his gross facts for far too long. But then he finds someone who actually appreciates it...and love blooms like mold on a rotten orange. Happy Valentine's Day!


**Genres: **Poor attempt at humor and an even poorer attempt at romance. (Take note that the author has never been in a romantic relationship, all her crushes are on fictional characters, and the only ones she's ever kissed are related to her, so she may not be entirely accurate.)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Final Fantasy VII or the characters within it. I am gaining no profit from this work of fan-fiction.

**._._._.**

**Grossology**

**A Valentine's Day Final Fantasy VII Fan-Fiction**

**._._._.**

"Genesis!" Zack waved his hand frantically above his head at the other end of the cafeteria. Some of the other SOLDIERs glared at him, but he didn't seem to notice. "Genesis!"

"If I ignore him," Genesis sighed, staring morosely down at his bagel, "Will he go away?"

Angeal glared at him. "No. He won't."

"Tried it," Sephiroth said, writing out something on a pad.

"Ah, well…" Genesis raised his hand, tiredly beckoning Zack towards their table. Zack gave a happy kick of his legs, practically skipping over.

"Yay!" Zack exclaimed, plopping down in-between Angeal and Genesis. "Now we can all eat together!" He beamed a blindingly brilliant smile at his mentor, receiving a weary one back, and then turned it full force on Genesis.

Genesis couldn't compete.

"Joy," Genesis mumbled, picking now at his lukewarm bagel.

"Just curious, Puppy," Angeal said carefully, "But why don't you sit with your friends? I mean…they're all the same age as you…and it will probably be a lot better than sitting with _us_."

Genesis nodded fervently. Sephiroth just gave a snort of amusement, hiding behind a plastic cup as he pretended to take a sip.

"Well, it is fun sitting with the guys…" Zack said thoughtfully, "But I thought _you_ guys might need the company! Besides, they said I should go and sit with you all so you don't feel left out."

Angeal sent a very un-Angeal-like glare over his shoulder at the small table of Zack's friends. Kunsel shifted uncomfortably, decidedly not meeting his gaze.

"Well, if we're stuck, we're stuck. Nothing else to do anyway but eat while you can," Genesis mumbled to Angeal, half-heartedly stuffing half a banana in his mouth.

There were a few minutes of uneasy silence as Angeal and Genesis tried to stuff as much they could in their mouths…

…before Genesis looked over at Zack's bowl, anyway.

"…Zack, what are you doing?"

Zack grinned. "Well, you see, I got cereal. And then while I was eating the cereal, Luxiere walked by with a hot dog with chocolate syrup!"

"Oy vey."

"I know, right? Where did he get a _hot dog _at _breakfast? _But anyway, when I saw him eating chocolate syrup with it, I was like, 'Wow, that's the sort of stuff you would eat with cereal. So what if I ate what you're supposed to be eating on a _hot dog _on a bowl of _cereal _instead, huh?"

Genesis choked down an uneasy lump in his throat at the mass of yellow-red sugar-coated flakes in Zack's bowl.

"And you know," Zack exclaimed, taking up a big spoonful of the…stuff…, "It's actually _mad awesome!" _ He stuck it all in his mouth, chewed, and then gave a big, open mouthed grin in everyone's direction. Genesis's face buried in his handkerchief, Angeal suddenly became interested in his fruit salad, and Sephiroth smirked as he marked something else off on his notepad.

Zack chomped noisily for a few anxious moments until, his gaze still directed down at his plate, Angeal timidly began, "So, Zack…anything new you want to tell us about?"

Genesis's seething look in Angeal's direction didn't catch Zack's attention as he grinned. "Oh, yeah!" he said, spraying red and yellow across the table. Sephiroth expertly flipped up his unused napkin, catching the chunks before they could reach his hair.

"Luxiere," Zack continued, "Gave me this, like, _awesome _site. It has the most amazing facts _ever! _Like, did you know that since cows eat grass, they get a massive build up of methane gas, which means that they're actually constantly _farting from both ends!"_

"Hmmm…beef will be perfect, then," Sephiroth murmured, crossing something out on his list.

"And that wasn't the grossest fact!" Zack said happily, pulling something out of his back pocket and beginning to gnaw on it.

"Ummm…Puppy?" Angeal said hesitantly, "What…is that?"

Zack paused in his mouse-nibbling to actually take a look at what he was eating, then grinned sheepishly. "Oops...I thought it was my candy bar." He fished around in his pocket some more, pulling out something that looked like a hairy pickle and sticking it in his mouth, before looking confused. "Hmmm…it didn't taste like seaweed before…"

"That's it!" Genesis shrieked, his chair screeching out behind him as he stood up. "That's _freaking _it!" He pointed an accusatory finger at Zack, who was still suckling the hairy pickle with a puzzled look. "If-If you_ dare_ say something else gross like that, I'm going to Dr. Hojo and-and throwing myself in with one of his monsters!"

Zack pursed his lips, and then looked up innocently. "_Why? _Besides, they wouldn't hurt you; y'know, 'cause you smell like them, _'cause_ you eat them every day for breakfast."

Angeal was hiding his face now. Genesis's face couldn't decide whether to stay red or white. "What…did…you…say?"

"_Y'know_," Zack said cheerily, waving around his treat like a baton. "I heard from Kunsel who heard it from James who heard it from Mikey who heard it from Miyano that since SOLDIERs eat a whole bunch, it was getting hard for Shinra to feed them. So they, like, _paid_ Dr. Hojo extra to keep some of his monsters aside, for, well, _y'know. _So all the bacon that we've been eating, is not really bacon, see?"

Genesis stood there, his face resolutely white now.

"You didn't notice that it tasted kind of funny?" Zack said in confusion. "I would've thought so, because Angeal always tells me to stay aware and all and you're a _First Class, _so I thought you'd have known that-"

Genesis made a noise that sounded suspiciously like gagging, clapping his hand over his mouth, and retreating back a few steps. The hand was removed long enough for him to shrilly say, "You're _so_ dead when I get back!", before he hightailed it out of the cafeteria, skidding right for the restrooms. Everyone else resumed eating. It was normal, after all.

Zack looked up at Angeal with his patented innocent, confused look. "What'd I do, 'Geal? Awww, I didn't mean to make him mad at me. Why's he mad at me?"

Angeal sighed, ruffling his mentee's hair, his gagging reflex under tight rein for the moment. "Nothing, Zack. He's just a little…stressed this morning. Missions, you know."

Zack's face brightened instantly. "Okay! I understand now!" He contemplated for a moment. "Maybe I should get him something! A gift or something…_hey_, he'd like the site Luxiere gave me, wouldn't he? I mean, he has that old painting of vultures that he likes, but wouldn't he be surprised to know that vultures _poo themselves on purpose to keep cool? _I mean, isn't that awesome or what?"

"Or what…" Angeal mumbled. "Listen, Puppy, go ahead and head over to the training room-I'll catch up with you as soon as I finish eating, all right? And…stay away from Genesis for a while."

Zack cocked his head. "All…right." He grinned. "But I'm still going to give him that site later!" And he got to his feet, bounced over to his friends' table to exchange a quick set of high fives, and then left the cafeteria.

As soon as he was out of sight, Angeal groaned, flopping onto the table. "Honestly, Sephiroth, I don't know what to do with him anymore!"

Sephiroth smirked, twirling his pen between his fingers. "Obviously."

Angeal sadly picked up his fork, resuming eating his scrambled eggs. "He just doesn't seem to know that he's making it harder and harder to be with him, lately. Did you hear all the things that he was telling Genesis? Where did he even _get _that rumor? It's so obviously not true."

"Really?" Sephiroth amusedly glanced over Angeal's plate. "So you _haven't _noticed that the bacon tastes strange, or that there are considerably less of Hojo's monsters in the lab lately? Or that all of the Turks avoid the meat as much as possible?"

Angeal opened his mouth, and then his eyes widened in horror. He stared down at his plate, and then gingerly pushed it away from him. Sephiroth smiled consolingly at him, already beginning to wolf down the rejected bacon.

"What am I supposed to do?" Angeal said in despair. "I can't _eat _anymore, I can't _sleep _anymore, and I can't leave Genesis with Zack anymore because I think I'm going to come back and find one of them _dead_!"

Sephiroth reached a hand over, patting Angeal on the shoulder. Angeal was so distraught that he didn't even notice the oddity.

"I actually had an idea on that," Sephiroth suggested casually, tearing into the last slice of bacon. "If you and Genesis feel that it is…appropriate."

Angeal turned a wide-eyed, haunted gaze on Sephiroth. "Anything," he rasped. "_Anything."_

Sephiroth smirked. "Well, then…"

._._._.

After the cafeteria and a short stop in the restrooms to pick up a wan Genesis, both SOLDIERs found themselves in Sephiroth's office, listening to the General's idea of a "plan".

"You want to set Zack up for a blind date with someone?" Genesis leaned back in his chair tiredly. "Why not?"

"Why not?" Angeal snapped. "Because I'm not letting him! He's still too young for any sort of relationship!"

"And you're still too young to be acting like his father," Genesis replied.

"Well-Well-" Angeal spluttered, "What will him going on a…a…" he made a distasteful face. "_Date _with anyone accomplish?"

"I have already explained that," Sephiroth explained. "Zack will devote all his time to that person, and all of his energies. If they have the same interests as he does, then he can throw himself wholeheartedly into grossing them out as much as he wants to, and thus leave most of the others alone." From in a hidden drawer in his desk came a thick pile of folders, which he threw over the desk.

Genesis whistled, picking up a folder. "Well, Sephiroth!" he looked over at the General admiringly. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you'd been planning this for a long time."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow and smirked, but didn't say anything else, simply flipping open the first folder. "I went through all SOLDIER records of both SOLDIERs and cadets for those who have the highest record for grossing out both their superiors and their peers." He set one huge stack of the folders aside, leaving only seven on the table. "Out of those, I picked those with maximum compatibility with Zack, including age, interests, and…" he looked at Angeal meaningfully, "Ethics."

Angeal let out a breath of air, relaxing in his seat.

Genesis, on the other hand, was looking at the folders with a frown. "There's a _cadet _in here…well, he is rather cute…and a couple of weirdish looking ones…_wait a minute_…" He spun towards Sephiroth. "What am _I _doing in here?"

Sephiroth, predictably, smirked.

"I am _not _being a date for Zack! All the other ones are surely good enough! Wait…" Genesis stopped shouting for a moment, and then scowled. "I'm not gross!"

"Others disagree, especially when you're on a Loveless stint…" Angeal muttered under his breath.

"Come now, Genesis…" Sephiroth gathered up the folders, casually sticking them under his arms. "It's only dinner. If you don't 'feel the chemistry', as you put it, you can simply leave and let the next one take your place."

"No matter what you say," Genesis snarled, "I am _not _having dinner with Zack!"

**._._._._.**

That evening, Genesis found himself seated across from a nervously bouncing Zack in a nice restaurant somewhere in Midgar City. Three tables down, unobserved, Sephiroth and Angeal were pretending to eat, and instead blatantly observing him in the same way one does a rat in a maze. Angeal gave him the thumbs up. Genesis just sullenly ate his vegetables.

Zack broke the silence first, with a cheerful, "So, Genesis! Did you hear about the-"

"No, and I don't want to," Genesis snapped, stabbing his steak violently.

Zack looked confused. "B-But…but this is a date, and I thought that on dates, you should have conversations-"

"I don't want to have a conversation with you," Genesis sneered. "I don't even want to be here. I'm only here for the free food, preferably with NO gross facts. Understood?"

Zack looked close to tears. "I didn't mean to make you mad," he said softly. "I-I'm sorry. I thought that m-maybe you'd want to have a conversation, because i-it's a date and…I thought that's what we're supposed to do…"

Genesis adamantly refused to look at Zack's face. He refused.

Zack's lower lip trembled.

With a sigh, Genesis reached out a gloved hand, patting Zack on the shoulder. "Ah…I'm sorry, pup. I didn't really mean that." He sighed. "I was assigned to this blind date, so I will fulfill it for you."

Zack, who had minutes before been complete with wobbling lip and tears in his eyes, perked up immediately. "Aw, thanks, Gen, that's was so nice of you! You wanna hold a conversation now? Huh? Huh? Huh? Ooh…I know a conversation starter! Did you know that birds eat and crap at the _same time? _Isn't that amazing? Huh…Genesis? Genesis, what's wrong?"

**._._._._.**

"No chemistry?" Sephiroth asked innocently, as Genesis sat heavily in a chair next to him.

Genesis glared at him, cheeks still slightly green. "You. Owe. Me."

**._._._._.**

Three of the remaining six didn't show. Apparently, even the grossest troops Shinra had to offer couldn't deal with Zack. One Third Class Soldier seemed to be getting along well, but apparently had a weakness-in a bad way-for Zack comparing his spaghetti to infected brains. The other believed Zack when he said that the cockroach in the middle of his lollipop was real. Both of them didn't find the idea of birds eating and "crapping" at the same time as "awesome" as Zack did.

Three dates later and the normally upbeat, unbeatable Zack was slumped over the tabletop, looking depressed to the roots of his hair.

Angeal was furious. "I know that he's gross, and maybe he's immature, but _no one _just treats my pup like that."

"Then why don't you go?" suggested Genesis.

Angeal looked horrified at the idea. "That'd be like incest!"

Sephiroth held his hand up for silence. "The last candidate is here."

Genesis and Angeal craned their necks around to try and see. A lady the next table over looked at them strangely, but they didn't pay attention as, confused, they tried to see Zack's last date.

"Where is he?" Genesis asked, confused.

Sephiroth cleared his throat. "Look…lower."

Angeal and Genesis complied. Now, they did see someone…a little, nervous looking boy, wearing a too-big Shinra cadet uniform and wringing the hem of his shirt as he tentatively smiled at Zack. The most noticeable thing about him was his hair…blond spikes that shot straight up, and then tapered down at the sides. Big blue eyes blinked at Zack, even as a tentative smile crinkled them at the corners.

Genesis stared. "He's _cute." _He leaned forward. "Even cuter than in the picture, in fact."

Sephiroth didn't say anything, instead opting to reach underneath the table and pull out a speaker. "Activating the microphones," he explained to Angeal and Genesis's-and the lady the next table over's-inquisitive looks.

"Pervert," Genesis said disgustedly, leaning in close to hear what the two boys were saying.

"…your name?" Zack said, leaning a little forward with a grin in place.

The cadet blushed a little, fidgeting. "C-Cloud Strife."

"Awesome!" Zack said. "Mine's is Zack Fair!" He looked closer at Cloud, breathing, "Gosh, you're _pretty." _ Then he looked mortified.

"What?" Cloud asked.

"N-Nothing," Zack said, smiling sheepishly. "You wanna…sit down?"

Cloud sat across from Zack, picking up the menu with a quick flash of a nervous smile, and barely glancing at it before blurting at a passing waiter, "What's the special tonight?"

The waiter looked at him briefly. "Spaghetti."

Cloud's face brightened. "Ooh!" he exclaimed. "Does it have tomato sauce?"

The waiter gave him a strange look now. "Yes, sir. It's _spaghetti."_

Cloud beamed. "Did you know that in every 100 grams of tomato sauce there are about 30 fly eggs?"

Both the waiter and Zack stared at Cloud-one with annoyance, and the other with something bridging on awe.

"I assure you, sir," the waiter said stiffly, "We are one of the _cleanest _restaurants in Midgar City. We would certainly not let fl…fl…_fly _eggs in our tomato sauce."

"Oh, but it wouldn't be _your _fault…!" Cloud tried to object, but the waiter gave him a seething look, almost spitting out, "Anything else, _sir?" _

Cloud bounced in his seat. "Tomato soup! And water!"

"Very well." The waiter turned to leave.

"Oh, sir!" Cloud called after him.

"Yes, sir?" the waiter said in exasperation.

"Does the tomato soup have tomato sauce too?"

"Yes, sir."

"Great!" Cloud said, beamed, and sat back down in his seat. The waiter went off, and Zack stared at Cloud in total admiration.

"Wow," Zack said. "I didn't know that!"

"You didn't?" Cloud said cheerfully, quite at ease with himself now. "I read in this book-I can't remember where-that the Midgar FDA lets a certain amount of _bugs _into food, as _safe to eat_!"

Zack's eyes turned into saucers. "_Really?"_

"Yeah!"

"So I've been eating bugs all this time?"

"Yeah!"

"Dude," Zack said, "That is so _totally awesome!"_

"Yeah!" Cloud said happily, his legs making the table vibrate as they swung back and forth.

"Now I see why his family sent him to Shinra," Genesis mumbled. "They probably couldn't stand the grossness."

"Still think he's cute?" Angeal asked.

The waiter came back, plopping a plate of spaghetti and a bowl of tomato soup in front of Cloud, and turning to go back to the kitchen.

"Waiter, waiter!" Cloud waved his hand above his head.

"Yes, sir?"

"There's a _fly _in my soup!"

Zack began to laugh…hard. The waiter, once he got it, gave a huff of disdain and stalked away to the kitchen.

After that, Zack and Cloud seemed to click. Gross fact after gross fact flew across the table at lightning speed, both boys in awe of all the gross facts that the other knew. Other diners were giving them horrified looks, but they didn't seem to notice. Zack pointed out that Cloud's spaghetti looked like a gutted animal. Cloud pointed out that his soup looked like blended lungs. Then they both giggled at each other like they had said the funniest thing in the world.

After a while, though, they both wound down, sitting across from each other, food still untouched, just giving each other funny looks. Cloud's eyes were very bright and shining, his cheeks pink from laughing. Zack kept on looking at him, blushing, and then playing with the tablecloth.

With a slam, Zack brought his fist down on the table, making himself and half the restaurant jump, and then giggled nervously along with Cloud. He blurted out the first thing he could think of.

"Did you know?" Zack said. "That people swallow about…eight spiders a year?"

"Really?" Cloud's eyes grew huge.

"Yeah! I mean, one night, I woke up, and there was something, like, _wiggling _in my mouth, right? And so the natural thing to do is to bite down, right? So I bite down, and, the wiggling is still there, but then there was something sticky in my mouth, so I spat it out. And it was a _spider…and I'd bit it in half_!"

"_Really_?"

"And it was _still_ wiggling!"

"I…I…I swallowed a spider, once," Cloud said softly, looking down at his still uneaten spaghetti. "I didn't bite it in half, but it did wiggle all the way down." He giggled. "My sister made me drink her water, and then she realized that it had a moth in it _after_ I'd swallowed it! It was _awesome_."

"Wow," breathed Zack. "That-that is awesome."

They both stared at each other for a long moment. Then, with a bang, both their chairs flew backwards as both boys, almost by some sort of signal, scrambled up onto the table in some sort of wild desperation ringing in the air between the two. Cloud's knee landed heavily in his bowl of soup, sloshing the red goop over the side; Zack landed inelegantly in his plate of expensive spaghetti. And then they were both clutching each other, Zack's arms looped around Cloud's waist and Cloud holding each of Zack's biceps in a death grip, inches apart and just staring at each other.

Surprisingly, instead of the sloppy, teeth clicking, painful kiss any spectators were expecting, it was instead something hesitant. Cloud stayed in place, cheeks burning an embarrassed red, and Zack, eyes shining and cheeks burning in entirely different reason, leaned forward and pressed his lips against Cloud's in a chaste, sweet kiss. A little late, Cloud leaned a little forward too, squishing his chest against Zack and clinging on for dear life.

"Well," Sephiroth commented airily, since Angeal and Genesis were too busy gaping, "I didn't expect that to happen _that _fast."

Zack pulled back first, staring down at Cloud with an undecipherable look that the younger boy matched. Then, with twin wails, they threw their arms around each other and began sobbing, tears, snot and all. Apparently, they had just realized that they had found someone who _actually _understood the other…and there was no other way to express it besides to get as close as possible to the other.

Three tables down, three men stared with varying expressions at the unfolding scene.

Sephiroth leaned back in his chair with a decidedly smug look. "'After the division'," he quoted, "'The two parts of man, each desiring his other half, came together, and throwing their arms about one another, entwined in mutual embraces, longing to grow into one'." After a beat, when no one replied, he said, "Symposium, by Plato. Zack and Cloud are, apparently, soul mates."

"It would be sweet," Genesis grumbled, "_If_ they hadn't had that entire _gross _conversation first…"

Angeal sighed, pushing his chair a little back from the table. "Well, at least now everything's worked out…and now Zack finally has someone to talk to about all the gross stuff he comes up with, instead of bothering us."

"Not actually." Sephiroth stretched casually. "It just means that now we have _two _hyper, gross-oriented teenagers to keep track of. If I guess correctly, Zack will bring Cloud to sit with us as well, and once the timid boy opens up, he will probably be _most _eager to share any…strange thoughts with us as well."

They sat there in silence.

"I'm going to the bathroom," Genesis said finally. "I suddenly feel like throwing up again."

Angeal turned a narrowed-eyed gaze on a, once again, smirking Sephiroth. "Did you plan this?"

Sephiroth's lips twitched upwards in an incriminating way.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" Angeal hissed.

Sephiroth smiled widely back at him. "Whoever said I wasn't?"

Three tables up, Zack finally wiped his face on his sleeve, smiling brightly, albeit still tearily, down at Cloud. "Y…You know," he said, somewhat breathlessly. "That birds eat and crap at the same time?"

Cloud sniffled, even as he smiled widely in return. "I…I know, right?" he said. "It's awesome! I wish I could do that!"

And it was love.

_fin._

**_._._._._._._._._._._._**

**PLEASE REVIEW IF YOU'VE COME THIS FAR! :)**

A/N: Spawned from a conversation I had with my seven-year-old friend about something totally cool I saw at the bird feeder the other day. Ladies and gentlemen, birds DO eat and go potty at the _same time! _Is that AWESOME or what?

All the gross facts (except for Shinra using Hojo's monsters for breakfast) are totally true. Yes, people swallow, on average, eight spiders a year (sorry, arachnophobics). Yes, FDA approves a certain number of insect parts in food as "okay" for people to eat (gotten from National Geographic). The gross animal facts I got from Animal Planet and Discovery Channel (the cows, and the vultures). As for the food…well, has anyone ever told their friends that their spaghetti looks like infected brains? (I have. Multiple times…) Zack's breakfast was taken from my own morbid experimentation of what different foods would taste like together (jellybean omelet, anyone?) and the hairy candy bar actually existed. It was in the bottom of my mom's purse. It smelled like seaweed; didn't try tasting it.

Anyway, thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it, stupid and pointless as it was! ^^ Happy Valentine's Day!


End file.
